2010 Golden Globes Gowns

Warning: I am feeling very cranky so my opinions on the gowns may be excessively negative. That crankiness is probably intensified by having to repeatedly see, while viewing Photos on Celebuzz. Amanda Seyfried eat some guy's face on the trailer for Dear John. Yuck. Also, I'm so cold that I'm wearing fingerless gloves to type. I was feeling much more generous last night, it must have been the cava.

There was a lot of bad hair last night. A lot. Yes, yes, it was raining, whatever. That slicked-back hair looks terrible on a lot of people, and on the ones who can get away with it, it looks boring. And there was a lot of boring last night. A lot of perfectly lovely yet utterly boring dresses. Dresses in pretty colors but boring styles. Black in flattering but boring cuts. A lot of delicate pastels that might have looked good on a different skin tone, but looked bad on the person wearing them. I have a firm belief that one should be able to distinguish between where the dress ends and the skin starts. And, as I have noted in the past, what do these people have against necklaces? There is nothing like some good neck adornment. Way too many naked necks last night.

I didn't think I had any unqualified winners last night until I saw this, which I missed last night. It's the blond cheerleader from Glee who is uncannily beautiful on on the show and keeps up the beauty here by adding in a gorgeous and interesting dress. And this gray works on her, unlike a lot of people last night.

All photos from Celebuzz unless otherwise noted.

The other dresses I liked last night were worn by unknowns (to me) and girlfriends. I don't know who Sofia Vergara is, but I like this dress. It's interesting and the colors are very good. (Getty Images.)

My other favorite unknown, Zoe Saldana. This color is to die for. Ruffles are very difficult, but they work on this dress.

I'm pretty sure that I like Paul McCartney's girlfriend's dress, though I would like to see a close-up. It's interesting and it shows off her fabulous gams and shoes. I can't stand the fatuous Sir Paul, though, and I fervently wish he would stop dying his hair. (AP Photo)

Jenna Fischer, in vintage Halston, looks as good as I've ever seen her. She finally got a decent make-up person, too. Yay Jenna!

Cameron's dress is good, possibly great, but the hair and make-up are terrible. And the shoes could be better.

Maggie Gylenhaal chose an interesting dress in a great color, but that color is terrible on her and the dress would be ten times better with the horrible mermaid skirt cut off at the knee. Also? More bad hair.

Beautiful color on Rose Byrne, perfectly fitted and flattering dress, and yet, kind of boring. Not loving the hair, either.

Christina's dress is really interesting and the difficult color works on her. I would love it if it weren't squishing her boobs. I like the bob a lot, too.

Yet another almost-liked with bad hair. I loves me some Drew Barrymore, I still love her wacked-out yet totally gorgeous get-up from last year, but this dress is a bad color for her. I dig the sea anemone adornments, though.

I don't know if anyone else could have rocked this funky 70s look the way Julia did. Crazy necklace? Works. Hair that could have gone badly wrong? Beautiful, and the color is crazy good (take note, Madonna, who has tried and failed with this color). Gams up to here and good shoes? Check.

Oh, Tina, I guess I shouldn't have wished that you'd stop with the boring black dresses. Sigh, more bad hair.

I'm just going to start cutting and pasting this opinion. Beyond gorgeous color, yet somehow looks terrible on her. More bad hair. I can't figure out why I don't like Diane Kruger's dress. I think it was teetering on the far edge of awesome but fell off.

This dress makes me think of Storm Troopers, and yet I think I love it, and the shoes. Clearly, my own taste has fallen off the edge of awesome.

I can't see anything in this dress but boobs. Scary boobs. I don't want to touch Mariah's boobs, but I kind of want to poke them.

More scary boobs. What the hell? Does Nicole have fake boobs, too, now? In addition to this being a nice dress in a beautiful color that looks terrible on her, her nipples are out of control.

Here are some ruffles that don't quite work,. and another gorgeous color that is totally wrong for the wearer. At least Christina Hendricks' improbably beautiful skin and curves blind you to the wrongness of the dress.

I liked Chloe's dress a lot better last night. It must have been the cava. I give her an A+ for interesting, but the color is eh and bad on her and the hair is really bad.

Gah! I hate Marian Cotillard's dress.

More hate for Patricia Arquette's dress. And the hair! That is what my hair looks like if I don't blow it dry, which is why I always blow it dry.

Oh, Sofia, that illusion netting is just terrible and makes you look like you've grown fungus on your shoulders.

I can't find a picture of it, but the back of Monique's beautiful gold dress was fantastic. Other pictures I won't bother with: Jennifer Garner's gray dress, that, guess what? was the wrong color for her. I was going to hate all over Amy Adams' ugly green dress, but she's pregnant so I'll be merciful and spare her. But I won't spare the directors with bad hair, Cameron, cut yours; Reitman, wash yours-- with shampoo. Samuel Jackson, you rocked that velvet tux. The tragic Hollywood orange skin disease has gotten to Gerard Butler and Penelope Cruz, very sad. Clooney, I'll always love you, but I love you more sans beard. Why can't someone help Tom Hank's wife find a decent dress? I don't even know what I think of Jennifer Morrison's gold ruffle freak-out or Anna Paquin's shiny gold cut-down-to-here with oh-so-wrong shoes get-up, or the red-headed Glee chick's possibly interesting spiderweb dress,so maybe it's time to finish.

Let's end on a high note, shall we? If you're going to wear black and/or slick back your hair, take a page from January Jones and do it in an interesting way.

To sum up. Ladies, I beg of you, please chose an interesting dress, that fits you and your boobs, in a color that flatters you and isn't black, Don't forget a necklace, and, for the love of god, do not slick your hair straight back. I will see you at the Oscars, don't let me down.

Comments

[DEE]

mary how do you do it? that was the best description of a fashion event EVER, you rock!

[Eleven]

I totally agree about Chloe Sevigny's dress. Looked WAY better last night. And all I had was pizza and girl scout cookies. Hmm... Gag, you said a lot of those were bad. You know what? I agree!

[Steph]

I always enjoy your red carpet commentaries!

[Linda]

Hey, that second dress was one of my favorites too! Also, Lauren Graham and (of course) Helen Mirren looked awesome. Nicole Kidman looks like she's made of WAX (which could explain the nipples). WTF?

[Cate]

> I have a firm belief that one should be able to distinguish between where the dress ends and the skin starts.

I totally agree with this -- the metallic colour trend doesn't suit most people. It looks bad enough as a trend in HOUSES. I like me some colour.